i was sure you saw me

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 07:05:24 GMT

The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill himself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 01:25:37 GMT

conversations with my mother
"so you've got a 4.0"
"uh no..."
"good for you, baby"

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 09:33:59 GMT

throwing up in my mouth

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 08:06:28 GMT

i just want to die
why isnt this getting better?
maybe i had unrealistic expectations of what age brings
its completely opposite of what i thought
and utterly more depressing
i cant handle another worse year
i hate being in trouble for what is beyond my control
and nothing helps
theres no understanding and theres no effective treatment
why bother?

AHNWHEY

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 10:21:35 GMT

not what i wanted
what i wanted was an absence of want
so genius, remove all desires.
so brill
kill me

Wed, 06 May 2009 08:00:30 GMT

reading a random note my brother posted on fb
question about first funeral you went to
and he said 12/13 and i, initially, had no idea what the fuck he was talking about
because i assumed a family member
and realized it was my boyfriend he was talking about
i don't remember my brothers in that ordeal at all
obviously it must have affected them, it was a fucked up time for me and i was living at home and my parents and i had really weird tensions and awful fights and i was running away and more than just rebelling but i guess utterly acting out
i just never really thought about how they viewed it
i just don't remember them really being around, even though they must have been
it makes me really sad

Tue, 05 May 2009 07:41:51 GMT

this is bad things

bad
bad
things

Sat, 02 May 2009 07:42:41 GMT

i have become the dark shadow i hated most
all the qualities of you that disgusted me, i now epitomize
i have swollen knuckles and a lack of regret, a lack of connection
youre failure in complete emotional independence will fuel my abject success
tell me these bleeding knuckles mean nothing to you
tell me you're not jealous you couldn't remove yourself like i now can
i feel it for you
i absorb it for you
would this have saved you

i do it for nothing
is this love?

tell me anything

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 21:36:37 GMT

i would do anything to never have last night

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 05:24:38 GMT

today was never ending bad day

slept in 30 min intervals of awful nightmares separated by an hour of lying in bed not sure if i even wanted to be able to go back to sleep. but if i dont sleep, bronchitis wont get better
woke up from random weird irky dream to look at clock and see my class starts in five minutes. i set my alarm to pm. conclusion: i fucking suck. bronchitis is worse
run to class and awkwardly sit in chair in back because teacher hates distraction, maybe she didnt notice?
oh, death glare all throughout lecture, she noticed
come home after class to pointlessly lay in bed for an hour in a futile attempt to make up for no sleep night before
excel class, torture in itself. wonder if i have to go to management this week or if we just have group meetings. hmm look at syllabus... oh fuck, powerpoint is due tomorrow. not what i wanted to see
get out of class and work six hours straight to finish project
ah finally done
oh no wait fuck, accounting still beckons
but i own at accounting, no bigs, minor hassle, hopefully boifren will be here soon, all will be awesome
oh. fuck. i do not own at the bullshit nonsense impossibly retarted accounting. COMPUTER, ACCEPT MY ANSWERS, THEY ARE CORRECT. where is boyfriend?
boyfriends not coming because i am a bitch
accounting makes me cry, i hate it, its close enough
i admit total fail
then realize i am still so far behind for just this week. cries again

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 09:28:11 GMT

never again

ever since i've been very little, if the slightest thing started to upset me, i would revolt in sleep
and just not sleep

when i got in middle school, i knew if i laid down all the demons i'd been trying to avoid would swarm me and instead would stay up for days until exhaustion overcame me

through life, not sleeping has been my way of "coping"
or avoiding what i dont want to look at

the concept of insomnia as a disease and not a frequent diversion was foreign

so when awful things happen to me, insomnia intensified the feelings, while allowing for an extremely hollow escape
until the understanding people in my life realized giving me drugs was so much easier than hashing it out

is it fair i blame my constant anxiety on the quick pill fix? or is it my fault for not taking them and fucking up my naturally unbalanced brain chemistry? was i better before? was i even me?

or is it that every time i open up to some one, it ends up blowing up in my face and i wish i'd taken the victorian approach of being seen and not heard?
is it my fault my past is rubbed into my face because i acknowledge it? or should i just shut the fuck up and throw myself into re-creation and complete burial of things i wish so hard i could forget?

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 21:33:52 GMT

why does every little thing leave me feeling shattered?
i hate hearing im ruining some one's life, i know i've done it enough before, it's probably true this time too.
i have absolutely no feeling of stability in anything, i'm so sure it's all going to be ripped away
it will be all my fault, again
i hate this time of the year
i hate people

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 16:39:40 GMT

CRRRRRRRRRRAP

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 20:45:02 GMT

is this what sacrifice is? holding in the hurt because when something is said it's ignored and the pain is only intensified? is this how to hold onto the people we care about? to stop caring about ourselves?
i dont know if i've just forgotten what i want or if i've just accepted it as impossible.
get drunk, stay drunk, live in constant oblivion
there is no fucking point

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 05:00:57 GMT

nightmares that confuse my priorities
boyfriends that dont want to listen
stress im going to be able to follow through with my promised 4.0
anxiety = barf
sick with it all

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 05:20:26 GMT

well lets read through lj and remember how we're never happy for more than a month
and the point is....?
to remember loss

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 22:50:06 GMT

i'm bored of everything
the end

some one get me high

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 07:43:03 GMT

i'm not asking for understanding
i would never wish that on anyone
im not asking for a pardon
thats bullshit
i just want to be left alone
aim for forever

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 08:41:23 GMT

if i only talk about it in regards to the past and not how i feel about it now
then hopefully i can just leave that shit there...
or just allow it to continuously seep into my life and look crazy

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 19:29:01 GMT

i need to start writing down what i did at night
because sometimes i think i did something stupid
or a lot of things
to know to what extent would be nice

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 08:15:39 GMT

i honestly dont know what i'm doing

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 07:35:19 GMT

i grew so old so young
i resist maturity
really how old am i in experience?
i never imagined i would be the traumatized one
and in so many ways
i can remember reading stories that now pale in comparison to mine
and thinking, oh i dont know how i could deal with that
and if i stop blocking out the memories
typically involuntarily in my beyond vivid dreams
i cant function for like three days
like im in a biweekly depression loop and i cant stop the cycle
and it gets worse and worse each time

for my pity party i invite
my first love, the boy i trusted to enter me first, who knew me better than anyone else and who i knew better than anyone, the boy i grew up with so closely and for so long, whom with i experienced the most intimate and tragic event, his suicide, and couldnt save him. and he chose to not take me with him, but to let me agonize over this event at least twice a day.

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 06:41:22 GMT

and i found a new boy!
whos younger than me
obviously nothing serious will come of it
but i think it will be fun
i'm excited!

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 06:05:56 GMT

and suddenly he's completely out of my life
he told me it was hard for him too that he was suffering as well
that, because he cared, he still wanted to be a part of my life
that he just couldn't be there like i wanted
what i need
and now, he ignores me
i thought him being nice was torture, the false sparks of hope
but to completely lose him
i feel so empty
i have nothing

i already completely lost one boy i loved
to know that life consists of me doing it again and again
i just want to shut down
numb me
end this
life doesn't seem to just get better
i may seem stronger but i'm so tired of fighting through every day

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 04:35:44 GMT

why don't you miss yet why havent you realized this is just a huge mistake? why can't i fucking do this?